Author Topic: Advise From a Real Super Hero to others wanting to be a super hero  (Read 969 times)

Offline Myth_Buster

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As a new superhero in the big leagues: trust me, the whole elaborate costume and going to the bathroom thing sucks.

I guarantee, when you see a hero flying across downtown, or hurling cars at some bank robbers, or ripping a hole in the time/space continuum to disrupt a villain, there is a 90 percent chance that they are doing so while carrying a ten inch plus log around with them, because they just have not had the chance to engage in the elaborate ritual of removing all or part of the costume to drop a deuce... they are all stacked and packed. Unflattering I know, but hey, this is the truth.

I don't care how gorgeous you find some of the female heroes with their ultra elaborate costumes and their ethereal gazes, I just know for a fact that they are constantly letting out these little toots and holding back a veritable log jam because it would take them a good forty minutes to get everything off, handle their business, then put everything back on.

To be fair, it does not take twenty minutes for all heroes to take off their gear, or at least the parts of the outfit related to what we are talking about here; it all depends on the style of course. The worst offenders always start with the full body, absolutely skin tight unitard; if you see one of those on a hero, then you just know that they are having gastrointestinal issues.

My hypothesis is that some of the women heroes may have learned early on that it is easier to go for the sassy bikini based bottom with the thigh high boots for utilitarian purposes only. It seems that management will not really except all female heroes going the shorts and boots rout, I guess because then it starts looking like a theme or uniform and not the "individualistic, yet working together" atmosphere they promote. Only the veteran female heroes who figured this out quickly had their thongs and boots grandfathered in because their look was already established; all the newbs' outfits start with a colored sausage casing as a base then diversify from there.

I think the male super heroes have it the worst. Tight buns shorts and boots are just not happening for whatever reason. The only exception seems to be that one guy who can talk to fish and rides the nuclear powered jet ski--he doesn't get called upon that much unless it is a special water based operation--but he gets to wear shorts all of the time and life is good; heck, if he needs to relieve himself, even a number two, he probably just lets it go in the water while pretending to check out his ski's "right rear turbo thruster". His easy access to his own ass is enviable.

The other day was absolutely embarrassing. We were battling this team of villains right in downtown with probably 500 people looking on from behind police lines. Things were going great and we really had the bad guys on the ropes. Then this one new guy, who is your standard super strength type, **** his pants while he was ripping out a telephone pole to use as a baseball bat. For reasons I will never understand, he went with an all white sausage casing outfit with
only his boots, gloves and belt being ultra stylized... bad choice. He pulled the telephone poll out of the ground like a real champ, but in that moment of
exertion he had a blow out and his ass and all down one leg went brown. He had to finish the fight like that, there are no "time outs".This is what happens when heroes can not easily take care of their business, they just keep putting it off all day long, hoping to deal with it when its time to undress for the day.

My outfit of the year award goes to this one villain named "Shotgun Pappy", he is just ridiculous and actually kind of awesome. His super power is his absolutely uncanny ability to utilize his pair of sawed off shotguns. I have seen a few "gunnys" as we call anyone who specializes in firearms, but Shotgun Pappy is unique in his style. He wears an old school, one piece. red long underwear complete with the buttoned poop flap thing in the butt and a pair of
dusty boots that are not even laced up good. He is straight up out of one of those old western movies where the guy with the scraggly beard and long underwear comes out onto the front porch and starts blasting. He has total style as well as an excuse to have easy access to his ass. All other gunnys I have seen, be it hero or villain, go for the macho soldier look of some kind and again have to deal with taking off tons of stuff to take a crap.

I kick ass, and no one can say that my ability to cook anything within 50 feet of me like an insane microwave oven is run of the mill, so I feel I have the right to change my outfit to something more conducive to taking a leak whenever I feel like it. I am going to march on down to engineering and demand that they redesign my outfit immediately. I don't care that I have had this same look since I joined the team over two years ago and the media is used to it, they
are just going to have to get over it. If they give me any **** about it, then I am going to rebel and insist that I be the first male hero to wear short shorts and knee high combat boots and they can just deal with it.